No Looking Back

In May of 2017 we bought our dream house. The one I fondly referred to as my forever home. We had talked about moving to the country, finding a little land, and living a slower pace of life. After what seemed like forever, we stumbled on a beautiful house with tons of potential. It had good bones, as the saying goes. We bought it and moved in with Jason's parents for 2 months as we began to renovate it enough to move in. I like to say that we put our guts into it. We literally put all our money into it. After all, it was the house we were going to be in forever. Our kids would most definitely grow up here. We got it just right and then sold it two years later. I found out that being an educator that cares deeply and a parent who loves deeply, are hard to separate.
We put the house on the market in July and received a perfect, full priced offer within the week and closed in August. It's odd, knowing that we chose the right thing, yet still being absolutely heart broken with the disappointment of needing to walk away from what I wanted so badly. The offer came and I knew it would work out and we'd be packing boxes and leaving. The heartache that followed for the next serval months is hard to describe. I mourned what that house was supposed to be, what it represented, what my plans were. We walked away.

Fast forward 5 months later and we are living in an apartment. We have yet to find another house that fits our needs, wants and desires. Our belongings are in storage and we have the necessities with us. I never dreamed that we'd celebrate Christmas here, without a Christmas tree, but I am learning a whole new understanding of trusting the Lord with all my heart. I can not lean on my own understanding because I cannot grasp an understanding yet. I was recently told to not let my past blur what is happening in my future. Recently, I decided to only look back on this moment with fondness. What did it give us and show us in those two short years? Plenty. Without a doubt I know that God has us in his hands. He is leading us. We said we would follow and here we are. He never once promised that it would be easy. Here is what I know for sure: My kids love their new school and teachers and are absolutely thriving. My husband loves not commuting 45 min to an hour each way to and from work. I enjoy my new job immensely and it has given me such new learning that I am growing as a leader and educator every single day. We are happy. Our family is perfectly fine and happy in this 3rd floor apartment. We eat around the dinner table every single night. There is a process here that God is taking us through. We are relying on Him more, trusting Him more. There is more of a focus on our blessings instead of our problems. In reality, minus a house, our problems are very few. I believe more than ever that we are in the right place at the right time. God knows the desires of our heart and as we constantly pray for wisdom, we walk in the truth that God will meet us right there. Whatever happened in the last year, I am thankful for where we are at because it is exactly where we are meant to be. 

All Part of The Plan

(This post was written in June 2019 and posted in January 2020).

I have this little office with a big comfy chair in it. It is the same big comfy chair that we've rocked both of our babies in. It now squeaks when you rock in it. It still swallows you up when you land in it. It is my chair that during the school year I land in on early Saturday mornings to look out the window while I read, think and journal. During the summer, I get to do this more often than just the weekends and it is truly the best part of my summer days. When my kids wake up, they know where to find me and most days all three of us wind up in this chair just all on top of one another snuggling and talking. Today, I had an extra long time of a quiet house as everyone slept in and I finished reading the book, "The One and Only Ivan." I sat and cried through the last 1/4 of this book. As I cried those big, fat, warm tears, I realized that only half of those were actually for the story and the other half was due to the fact that in 14 years of teaching, I think this last one was probably my most important one.
On the last day of school as I was packing up my books to move, the sweetest student came to me in private and quietly said,
 "Can I have that book?"
"Which one?" I asked
"The One and Only Ivan." She responded "It is the first book I have ever actually read and it was so so good. I just loved it." she told me.
Of course I handed it over and told her to go put it in her backpack and keep it for ever.
Out of curiosity of her recommendation I brought a copy of this book home and I finished it this morning.

 She was right. It was so good and I really loved it too. I have thought about this past year every single day since it ended. Truth be known, I thought deeply about this past year every single day as I watched in unfold. I spent most of my years as a teacher in early primary grades and the majority of those were in kindergarten. Last year I chose to go teach 5th grade for a new perspective and it proved to be an experience that my heart shall not soon forget.
I was very nervous to teach big kids and worried that my brain was too ingrained in primary teaching that they'd take advantage of me. However, I discovered that all of my practice in teaching 5 and 6 year olds actually perfectly prepared me for 10 and 11 year olds. Guess what? Fifth graders are still very much little kids. They absolutely still have big problems, need hugs, want their teacher to like them and need so much guidance through making right choices. They need so much love, maybe even more than kindergartners. That is my biggest lesson that I learned this year; 5th graders needed someone to love them and someone to cheer for them. I am privileged that I had the opportunity to do that for these big kids.
I'm leaving this teaching positiion and my current school to go do something different, However, I will forever look back on this year of 5th grade and the lessons it taught me. In my heart I know that we actually taught eachother this year. I absolutely learned from them. I am always grateful for the opportunity to teach and influnce kids. I pray that this year will not be in vain and these kids will forever hold this year of memories in their hearts. I know I will.