I don't think life is funny, I know that life definitely isn't fair, but when you lose your mom, of all people at 36, life and how you do it changes. It has to. My children are 5 and 3 and they just lost their Nana. I'm their mom, which makes life continue on because it has to, but mourning my mother's death, comes in waves, in different moments, on different days. This was today's realization. My mom wanted to be here for this day and she's not. So then what?
We move forward. My house decides to talk about Nana every day. We talk about heaven every day. We talk about talking to Nana in our hearts and her being our angel every day. Nana is still apart of our daily prayers and I'm not sure if the time will come to change that. I have learned so much about life from my mom. I have learned even more about loving people and in being in deep relationship with God over the last 21 months. I have learned my greatest lessons in the month of July. That was the month my mom passed away. My husband and I decided that we would have no regrets in the end so I spent many hours on the road. More importantly, I spent extra hours in the presence of my mom who was so intentional to give me my final life lessons from her in her last days. Gosh. We talked, we cried. We cried, I listened. She had so much she wanted to say and I hope that my heart and mind will always remember the small details that if I close my eyes I can see. I can hear her words. I can feel that she knew her words as my mom were more important in those moments than ever before. She was guiding me, she was mentoring me, she was filling me with the comfort and peace that I need now more than ever. I have this notion that people absolutely can change the world. Young or old, rich or poor, we all possess a quality that the world needs if we love big enough to share it. The people that came to my mom's memorial proved one thing- that my mom changed the world of the people who loved her. She changed her world by simply loving Jesus and loving others.
My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 Cancer out of the blue in October of 2014. It was in her colon and then had spread to her ovaries. They were krukenberg tumors, which are rare and by the time it was discovered the tumors on her ovaries were the size of grapefruits and surgery was not an option. So for the next 21 months our mom was fighting cancer, beating cancer, cancer growing, losing hair, and getting weaker. My mom never complained. Not once that I can remember. She was the favorite in the chemo room, encouraging others, lifting others up. They loved to see Nancy walk through the doors. When people would ask about her, she'd say, "Well let's talk about you. How are are you?" This is a woman who lived life well. From the very beginning she said cancer was a "win, win." My gosh, what? But she meant it. If she beats it, it's a win. If she loses this battle, it's a win because she is going to be at the feet of Jesus, the only placed she ever wished to be. She lived her whole life for her last moments when she would leave this earth and meet her maker.
It was in those last moments that I has given, I was chosen to witness maybe the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed and the most amazing experience that my heart will surely ever have. My life was completely changed witnessing the last two minutes of my sweet, precious mother's life.
I have never experienced death the way I did with my mom. I have known people who have died, but in this case, I witnessed death. The human body is absolutely amazing and heartbreaking to see what it can endure in the end and how long it can hold on when it has nothing left to give.
The Saturday night my mom passed away, was calm and quiet and peaceful. The sunset was full of beautiful colors that shone right into her windows of her hospice room. She was weak, no longer able to speak, drink, to move. She made some sounds but nothing that any of us could quite figure out. In the quiet of the evening my sister and I sat on either side of the bed, each taking a side and a hand of our mother. In an instant unknown to us, my mom took both hands, covered her eyes from the light and when we asked what was happening we heard her whisper, "bright." In that moment she threw both hands up to heaven and in an audible, very clear voice says, "I LOVE YOU LORD!" Her hands leave the air and land on top of her head, placing her crown so intentionally that there could be no doubt of what we were chosen to witness. She grabbed her clothes and pulled and smoothed her garments of white. My mom had no hair left so this last moment took us a second to realize that as she moved her hand behind her ear over and over again, she was stroking her hair and in that moment she was the bride and she was ready for the bridegroom. My sister went close to her and told her how beautiful she looked, for she could literally see her glow. That was the last gift my mom gave to me. That was the last lesson she taught me. That was the last time I'd ever see my mom.
Here we are with this story. This amazing story. This story that has changed my life. I want to live a life so big for God that in the end I may show my children the literal love of God as I pass from this earth. The story is true, the bible is true. The bible is why we knew and could understand what was happening literally right in front of our eyes. God is the author of our life stories. I can not understand why this had to be my mom's story or why this is now my story without her, but no doubt every move I make from here on out I want to do intentionally with the promise that heaven is real. That earth is not my permanent residency. I am now loving others more intentionally and loving God bigger. I am more intentional with the time I spend in His word grabbing on to his promise for me and for my family.
I'm moving forward in what I do know, the truth of the gospel and the cross and I'm seeking God in the midst of the sadness and loss. I'm asking God that my heart may be restored. I'm grabbing a hold of God because he never breaks his promises. My hope is in the Lord.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday.
