Here and Now

 We have lived in our new house for 6 months. If you walked in the front door you may think that we just moved in. We still don't have our things on the wall. We are still figuring it all out. It is still a bit unsettled as we are finding the things from our previous house aren't as loved in the new place. I know I sound completly selfish when I don't appreciate the beautiful home that God literally answered our prayers with. I fall in and out of thanks and often let the mourning of my old home and old dreams take over the praise and thanksgiving that my new home, new job, and the kids new schools deserve. After all, that is why we ended up where we did. 

So, I am home super sick this week and funny thing is that it is the first time that I have sat in this house quietly by myself since we moved in. I have been working on a little reading spot for myself that I actually haven't spent time in to read yet. Today, I did. I ended up pouring through my old journals of where we were 2 years ago, when we prayed fervently for God' s direction and guidance. It was hard but we said "yes" and trusted His plan for our family's future. How odd that I am mourning in the past. When I dig into the past I see that we knew God was leading us. All the signs pointed to yes and we knew we were making the right choice. That is Satan creeping into to place doubt and sadness where confidence and happiness should reside. We have been molded and refined in the past 2 years and are turning this beautful house into a home. That is no small feat. 

"Sometimes our lives have to be completely shake up, changed, and rearranged to relocate us to the place that we are meant to be." -Toby Mac

I ended up in that reading chair for hours and read old journals and added to my current one. I read my devotional that was more than perfect for the day. "Do not let the fear of mistakes immoblize you or make you anxious. In this life you will err sometimes because you are only human with limited knowledge and understanding.When you're facing a a major decision, seek My face- and My help. I will guide you with my counsel as you think things out in my presence. When the time is right, go ahead and make the decison, even though the outcome is uncertain. Pray for my will to be done in this matter, and release the results to me." What a glorious reminder that we did that, no question.  A huge reminder today that we are on a path that God opened up for us. I may no longer mourn what was left behind because that shows a distrust in God'd plan for us, a plan that I believe is good. 

Then this beautful gift was given to me this afternoon as I am back in this chair, sick, waiting for the school bus to drop off. I get to see a glimpse into my children's after school play in this home and I am slapped with thankfulness. Previous to this move, my children have always been at school with me. Last year they went to an after school program. This year, my husband works from home and gets the kids to and from school. I miss the immediate moments right after school. How their day was, what they did, what they want for snack, what they want to do to unwind. All of that is already done when I get home from work and noone really cares to repeat it for me and that is okay. But today, I was here. Today the kids wanted to play in the front yard and decompress in the warm sunshine, tie ropes to tress, and break sticks. They then came in to play a made up guess the dice game and lounge, feet up. It was a glimpse of how far we've come since the apartment last year. It was a glimpse of how these kids have made this house their home, even with boxes still unpacked and bare walls. It was a glimpse of happiness. 

So this evening, I am thankful once again for God's promises for our lives. For undeserved blessings that have been lavished upon us. For a home that we live in and share our lives in. I am not naive enough to think that time will ever slow down, but I hope I am smart enough to gaze longer into this phase of childhood and where God has planted us at this time for His purpose. May I continue to look forward to what lies before us and no longer back to what we left behind. I am not going to stress about how things will work out for us. I will stop overthinking. It is time to move forward and trust the transition. It is so very clear that God's got this under control. 

Be Kind

Be kind. How many times have you seen and heard that lately? As cliche and overused as it is, I am certain that it still needs to be given as a reminder. You know who needed the reminder today? Me.

It is day ... who knows what of self quarantine as the entire world is in the middle of a global pandemic. I mean,  start right there. What the heck? The truth is that I am normally a super patient person. I absolutely "Love and Logic" my kids to death. We talk through our problems and we solve problems together. We make choices that have natural consequences. Today all of that flew out the window when the kids would not stop screaming at eachother over Lego's. Apparently, big sister took something apart and little brother didn't appreciate it. To her credit, it was a random something in a bucket that had no apparent owner. I let it play out. I pretend I couldn't hear them arguing. It went on way too long. I stepped outside to the recycle bin and upon my return I had two kids, both crying, screaming, and running down the stairs to find me. Before they could speak a word, I erupted with, "I don't care." Repeat that phrase about ten more times and that sums up the rest of the story. I sent them both to thier rooms all the while screaming, "I don't care."
Guess what? I do care. I have a rule that we don't use that phrase because in the end, someone should always care. Kids hearts matter. I care that little brother yelled, "I hate you." I care that sister had to stop creating. I care that I went nuts on these two kids first thing in the morning. I hate that our day started this way. I care that thier dad had to go to thier rooms and check on thier hearts because guess what I yelled at him a few times as well? Yep, you got it. "I don't care."
Whew.
What. A. Morning.
All before breakfast.
I removed myself, washed my face, brushed my teeth and got dressed for the day. I opened my drawers and this shirt was on top of the pile. Cliche, huh? Guess who needed it today? Me.

So, I got dressed, called the kids out of their rooms and had a wonderful mom moment of grace and forgiveness. Gosh, I am so thankful for grace and forgiveness. Homeschool never got started today and that is okay. We went outside and laid out two blankets. We laid in the sun, breathed fresh air and talked about all sorts of things that we all needed to say and listen to as a family. 

Then the oldest really wanted to read her new books that she got in the mail and sat and read for about 30 minutes, enjoying reading in the fresh air and light breeze.

The youngest decided that he wanted a pet snail and this lead to all sorts of amazing fun. We apparenty now have a snail named Snailey as part of the family. 

Today was a rough start. It was also a wonderful reminder that we all need a little break while we are on this crazy break from normal life. Kids need to be heard. Parents need a break. We all need a little grace. Most of all it was a much needed reminder to take care of eachother's hearts. Their hearts matter. So, maybe it is not as overused and cliche as I once thought because we all need a gentle reminder to be kind sometimes.

Kindness matters.

Take care of eachother.

Give grace. 

Offer forgivness.

Life is full of beauty. Look for it and find it. 

So now I am going back to my mantra that I started as my new years resolution of sorts. 

No Bad Days. 

There can be bad moments, but these moments will not define us. I will not have a bad day. 

Today was a rough start but here we are... having a good day with a few laughs and a lot of love mixed in. 

May we all be reminded to take care of eachother. I think it is safe to say that we all need a little kindness during this crazy time. 

 

Scenes From the Rearview ...

It is officially February, the month of my birthday. The one where I'll be turning 40. I am surprised at my own calmness about turning 40. I had plenty of anxiety leaving my 20's and entering my 30's. It turns out that my 30's were full of highs and lows, which equaled to being full of life. I have enjoyed my 30's and plan to savor life a bit more in my 40's.

I look back on my 30's and realize that we began our family right before I turned 31. This, I am sure, is most of the reason that my 30's flew past in a bit of a blur. However, I know this for sure; It is, without a doubt, the greatest honor of my life to be a mother to these two children.

In my 30's I lost both my grandmother and my mom. I also had the great honor and privilege to speak at both of their funerals. If you know me well, then you know that I am a very emotional person. How I pulled myself together enough to honor these women in the way that they shaped me, is truly only by the grace of God. I look back on these two defining moments and am proud that I had the honor of sharing their life and memories with others. Losing my mother was something I was never ready for and on some days I wonder if I have yet learned how to truly grieve. I am aware that it looks different for everyone. I have decided that it is not a process to complete. You won't necessarily get through it or over it. Grieving my mom is a new element of me that I do in my own way. I have a new way of seeing. I have added new dimensions to myself since watching her leave this earth. I do wish I had her going into my 40's and then wonder if that is selfish. She was always so selfless and deserves the beauty and crown that she now wears in heaven. Sill, there is a lot happening here that I know she'd be proud of. 

In my 30's I taught 4 different grade levels in two different school districts. I squeezed a great year of launching my own transitional kindergarten somewhere in between there. I started and finished my Master's at UNT and left the classroom to be an instructional coach. Needless to say, there has been a lot of learning, changing and growing along that road. My career makes me proud and I hope to continue that growth into my 40's. There is  a big part of me that wants to continue my education further. I am incredibly blessed to have had the support of my family in each new phase. 

We sold two homes and lived in two different cities in my 30's. On the brink of 40, we are currently looking for a new home. That has been a learning process all of it's own. 

We have bought 2 new cars and way too many Lego's. We have vacationed to the beach a few times, to the mountains and to Disney World. We have had a few adventures that hold precious memories that will last for years.  In my 30's I had my first colonoscopy where they removed a pre-cancerous polyp. My new PSA is to go get a colonoscopy. We consume so much junk and fake processed food. Take care of yourself. Get regular checkups! The past few months of my 30's I have been treated for an autoimmune condition and take a hormone replacement each morning. I am not even sure I fully understand what is happening ... but oh the hot flashes! That is no joke y'all. Now, that does make me feel a bit old, but the doctors are in the beginning stages of trying to figure out some odd allergic reactions/ flares that I keep having. We'll just have to figure this one out in my 40's! I have discovered threading my eyebrows vs. waxing and I highly recommend the thread! I definitely have gray hairs and you know what? I think I like them. I have no plan to color my gray hairs anytime soon. I don't want to keep up with that business. Plus, these gray hairs make me smile a bit at the life I'm creating. 

Truth is, if you knew me over the last decade you'd say that I have changed a lot. Truth is, there was a lot that changed me. I am entering my 40's believing that everything continues to happen for a reason. I do not fear the future for I know who is the author of my story is. I am privileged to to enter my 40's and I pray that I get the chance to grow old. I know that not everyone is given that chance, so I will appreciate it and be thankful for it every single day of my life. 

Here's to my next chapter. 

Here's to being 40. 

No Looking Back

In May of 2017 we bought our dream house. The one I fondly referred to as my forever home. We had talked about moving to the country, finding a little land, and living a slower pace of life. After what seemed like forever, we stumbled on a beautiful house with tons of potential. It had good bones, as the saying goes. We bought it and moved in with Jason's parents for 2 months as we began to renovate it enough to move in. I like to say that we put our guts into it. We literally put all our money into it. After all, it was the house we were going to be in forever. Our kids would most definitely grow up here. We got it just right and then sold it two years later. I found out that being an educator that cares deeply and a parent who loves deeply, are hard to separate.
We put the house on the market in July and received a perfect, full priced offer within the week and closed in August. It's odd, knowing that we chose the right thing, yet still being absolutely heart broken with the disappointment of needing to walk away from what I wanted so badly. The offer came and I knew it would work out and we'd be packing boxes and leaving. The heartache that followed for the next serval months is hard to describe. I mourned what that house was supposed to be, what it represented, what my plans were. We walked away.

Fast forward 5 months later and we are living in an apartment. We have yet to find another house that fits our needs, wants and desires. Our belongings are in storage and we have the necessities with us. I never dreamed that we'd celebrate Christmas here, without a Christmas tree, but I am learning a whole new understanding of trusting the Lord with all my heart. I can not lean on my own understanding because I cannot grasp an understanding yet. I was recently told to not let my past blur what is happening in my future. Recently, I decided to only look back on this moment with fondness. What did it give us and show us in those two short years? Plenty. Without a doubt I know that God has us in his hands. He is leading us. We said we would follow and here we are. He never once promised that it would be easy. Here is what I know for sure: My kids love their new school and teachers and are absolutely thriving. My husband loves not commuting 45 min to an hour each way to and from work. I enjoy my new job immensely and it has given me such new learning that I am growing as a leader and educator every single day. We are happy. Our family is perfectly fine and happy in this 3rd floor apartment. We eat around the dinner table every single night. There is a process here that God is taking us through. We are relying on Him more, trusting Him more. There is more of a focus on our blessings instead of our problems. In reality, minus a house, our problems are very few. I believe more than ever that we are in the right place at the right time. God knows the desires of our heart and as we constantly pray for wisdom, we walk in the truth that God will meet us right there. Whatever happened in the last year, I am thankful for where we are at because it is exactly where we are meant to be. 

All Part of The Plan

(This post was written in June 2019 and posted in January 2020).

I have this little office with a big comfy chair in it. It is the same big comfy chair that we've rocked both of our babies in. It now squeaks when you rock in it. It still swallows you up when you land in it. It is my chair that during the school year I land in on early Saturday mornings to look out the window while I read, think and journal. During the summer, I get to do this more often than just the weekends and it is truly the best part of my summer days. When my kids wake up, they know where to find me and most days all three of us wind up in this chair just all on top of one another snuggling and talking. Today, I had an extra long time of a quiet house as everyone slept in and I finished reading the book, "The One and Only Ivan." I sat and cried through the last 1/4 of this book. As I cried those big, fat, warm tears, I realized that only half of those were actually for the story and the other half was due to the fact that in 14 years of teaching, I think this last one was probably my most important one.
On the last day of school as I was packing up my books to move, the sweetest student came to me in private and quietly said,
 "Can I have that book?"
"Which one?" I asked
"The One and Only Ivan." She responded "It is the first book I have ever actually read and it was so so good. I just loved it." she told me.
Of course I handed it over and told her to go put it in her backpack and keep it for ever.
Out of curiosity of her recommendation I brought a copy of this book home and I finished it this morning.

 She was right. It was so good and I really loved it too. I have thought about this past year every single day since it ended. Truth be known, I thought deeply about this past year every single day as I watched in unfold. I spent most of my years as a teacher in early primary grades and the majority of those were in kindergarten. Last year I chose to go teach 5th grade for a new perspective and it proved to be an experience that my heart shall not soon forget.
I was very nervous to teach big kids and worried that my brain was too ingrained in primary teaching that they'd take advantage of me. However, I discovered that all of my practice in teaching 5 and 6 year olds actually perfectly prepared me for 10 and 11 year olds. Guess what? Fifth graders are still very much little kids. They absolutely still have big problems, need hugs, want their teacher to like them and need so much guidance through making right choices. They need so much love, maybe even more than kindergartners. That is my biggest lesson that I learned this year; 5th graders needed someone to love them and someone to cheer for them. I am privileged that I had the opportunity to do that for these big kids.
I'm leaving this teaching positiion and my current school to go do something different, However, I will forever look back on this year of 5th grade and the lessons it taught me. In my heart I know that we actually taught eachother this year. I absolutely learned from them. I am always grateful for the opportunity to teach and influnce kids. I pray that this year will not be in vain and these kids will forever hold this year of memories in their hearts. I know I will.