This will be our 3rd year to have Christmas without my mom. In an odd realization that 3 years have gone by, my heart broke open and I cried harder today than I can remember crying in the past 3 years. It is often that I am so overwhelmed by life that I don't allow myself the opportunity to mourn my mom when the moments come. I try to not sit and cry in the house with my kids here because sometimes I just need permission to not have to stop the tears. However, as I sat in my favorite chair in my small little office, I started to flip the pages of random books and journals. I found the journal that I wrote in during the days following my moms death. I wrote current stories while they were still fresh in my mind. It is odd and I feel guilty even saying that in the past 3 years I feel the details of my moms life getting less vibrant. Not her, just my details of memories. In this journal I wrote about specific details of my last months with her. Things that she said or that she did that I didn't want to forget the small details of.
My daughter is almost 8 and is in 2nd grade. Her Nana passed away when she was five and a half, right before she started kindergarten. It is not uncommon that Madison will still cry at night from time to time from the sadness of missing her Nana. It always happens at bed time after the lights go out and the room is quiet. I often wonder if she uses her Nana as an excuse just to cry or if her Nana is the only real connection to sadness and disappointment that she knows. She is always given permission to feel sad and cry. My sister taught me long ago that no ones has permission to tell you how to FEEL. I am always careful to let her have her own feelings as she navigates through growing up into her own person.
Today, I found this story and remembered just how deeply connected Madison was to my mom and I all of a sudden gave myself permission to FEEL and cry in my house with my kids around without permission to stop.
7-28-16
The first day that my mom when into the hospital, I got in the car and drove there. As I walked into the room of her bare hospital room she was telling my dad to call me and tell me not to come. No regrets. Jason and I decided that was our new slogan when it came to my mom who was sick: no regrets. Go when you need to go. Show up. I did show up to my moms hospital room where she lay using only oxygen. I slept in a terrible recliner and before she fell asleep that night she asked, "Does Madison think I am dying?" I assume that answer was yes but for some reason I didn't say that. Mom and Madison loved each other so deeply. Nana made Madison's eyes absolutely sparkle. This 5 year old knew her Nana hung the moon. Madison often spoke of living with Nana forever and never wanted to leave after visiting. As soon as we'd leave she'd ask when we could back.
July 4, 2016 was the last time that Madison saw her Nana. That day we left, Madison cried harder than I'd ever seen her cry. She wouldn't let go of Nana. She retuned to her multiple times crying, saying, "I don't want to leave you." Madison was just so sad, completely heartbroken. This little 5 year old was saying goodbye to her Nana with a broken heart. I often wonder if my mom knew that was forever good-bye? Probably. Did Madison know that was the final good-bye? I think so.
Madison once asked me if her Nana loved her more than she loved God. Isn't that a beautiful question from a 5 year old? She knew her Nana loved God so big and without a doubt knew she was loved so big by Nana, and now she was trying to decide how BIG that love was.
About a month later we buried our Nana, had her funeral and then her memorial service. We all said goodbye. At the end of that 4 day span at Nana's house as we all got in the car to drive away. After a few moment of quiet Madison said, "I don't feel so sad leaving Nana's this time."
- The only beauty in tragedy is that Jesus is still on the throne.
