Cry out to Jesus

In the past two and a half years I can vividly remember the times I have cried so big that it has mattered. Not choked up, not shed tears, but the cry so big that you leave a little of your soul behind on the salt soaked fabric of your sleeves. The first one was two and a half years ago when we drove away from the hospital without our son as he had to remain in the NICU and we had to check out of the hospital. When we arrived home, there were people at our house and I just excused myself to the closet in my bedroom, laid on the floor, until I cried out the pure exhaustion and heartache onto the carpet. The second one came 15 months ago when my sweet, sweet mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer out of the blue. That lasted about a week and it always took place on my bed soaking my pillow as to not be too loud to wake the kids. Every phone call that week to my parents or my sister left me in complete heartache of what was happening. The third time happened today.The last two weeks have been high anxiety and stress and bad news and bad reports and it's all rolling in. That's actually not anything that surprises me or is usually anything I can't handle. My shoulders tend to be heavy and my hands full, but I am a problem solver and really good and handling issues for everyone. So, here we have a very expensive dog surgery, which has resulted in a very large cone that knocks our house to pieces, a broken dryer, an unanswered request to transfer my daughter to the "right" elementary school, both kids home from preschool sick, a CAT scan that shows my moms tumors growing and the chemo not working and then .... the breaking point... They think this sweet little preciousness has scoliosis. I mean come on, scoliosis.

Now given, I know that other families have it worse. I know that and believe that. However, this is still my little girl who had a traumatic emergency c-section birth.  Who had to see a cardiologist and be hooked up to wires for her heart right out of the womb. The little girl that at two had her eyes start to cross and received glasses. Then she had a double eye surgery at two and a half. She has very little vision in her right eye. We have patched for way too long, with no improvement and she just continues to roll with it all. I am ready to give her a break from life.Three days ago at her five year old well check- we were there talking about her thriving and just checking off all the boxes and the last check of the day was for her to bend over and let the doctor check her spine. Then check again. Pause. Check again. Pause. Take some notes, type some words. "What does that mean?" I ask. And so here we go. I got this. I am in charge. I AM MOM. So, today I call the scoliosis institute per the doctors referral.I explain that she is five and its my understanding this is not common and she is very young for this and that we as her parents are very anxious and experiencing anxiety and based on that I asked for them to pick the right doctor in their practice for us. She was very nice, we made the appointment and then directed me to their website to look at the doctor she recommended. I read his profile and then I continued to read. And read. And read. AND READ. All at once I left the computer, I left the room where my son was, and I fell to my knees and let it all out there on the ottoman of my son's room. I prayed, I begged, I screamed, I cried out to Jesus. Dear God, please don't let her have scoliosis. Please God, NO!. And then I just prayed.... and cried out my heartache once again into the fibers of the fabric of the furniture. We STAND FIRM that we serve a mighty God that heals and restores and performs miracles every day. This is not about me. This is about her. I have relaxed my prayers in healing her eyes after 3 months ago the patching for 6 months hadn't budged her eye sight. Today I decided no more. I will pray without ceasing for her eyes and now her spine. Pure healing of that curve in her spine. That Madison can have perfect eye sight and a straight spine in the name of Jesus!
I don't know why this is her story, or even our story, but this story is written by God and I know he has a reason and that He has perfect timing that my humanness can not begin to fathom or understand. However, as I sat in the living room this afternoon watching cartoons with both kids on my lap, I am gently reminded how blessed we all are and as I mentally make the thankful list I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude.

So today I remember to slow down, be more present, love bigger, gripe less, talk less, listen more, hug and kiss many more times after she tells me to stop, and tell her that YOU ARE AMAZING as many times as I can. Please remember that... You are amazing!  And as always, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Be happy for this moment. For this moment is your life.