Lauren Daigle has stayed on repeat in my life over the last year and now her new album, Look Up Child, has me searching my heart through the pool of tears that I have sat in for the last 24 hours.
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Her song was on when we were ordering in the local sandwich shop and my 5 year old son said, "shhh... mom, listen. It's your favorite song from our car." I was thrilled at the moment that he made the connection and made me remember in that moment that my two kids were listening and paying attention even when I forget that they are.
In my present life, I am a person that only listens to praise and worship. It is just the person that I have morphed into. It matters to me. I need it. I do it for me and my kids just know it as normal. I remember when I was a teenager riding in my moms car. All she ever listened to was her praise and worship tapes and she was so uncool. I now see that she probably needed that time and music in her car as an escape from 4 ridiculous kids. Then here we came, like, "UGH mom!" She never gave in. It was all she was willing to listen to, to fill her heart and mind with and now, of course, in my late 30's and two kids later, I finally get it.
Through my music and my journaling this morning, I have reflected up my life, my earthly life, and my heavenly savior. In my pity party, I cannot stop thinking about His goodness and how I do not deserve it, how I have taken advantage of it and how I have forgotten how God has always been there for me. He has truly lavished his goodness upon me. However, in the depths of exhaustion and on-going grief, I choose to give him praise for the all the good in my life, but I try and keep all the bad and the yuck just to myself. I'll deal with. I'll never measure up, I'll never be, I don't deserve ... When through it all, God should be given all the glory for the good, but he's good enough to give all my "bad" stuff too as well.
In the end, I come to the full realization once again, that nothing of today is really about today. All roads point to heaven. It is not about the city I live in or the next job, or my house, my bank account, or any other earthly thing that I worry about every day. In the end, all roads lead to heaven. What a mind shift that is, when I stop my pity party to remind myself that my heart matters to God. Then I realize that in my continued sadness of losing my mom, that I often just want to mask because it's easier, I remember that she left me behind. I am her legacy. Her prayers that she sent to heaven on my behalf, and I know there were many, are not void just because she is not here. I am her legacy. Then I straighten my crown and dry my face because I instantly make a connection that I too will leave behind my legacy one day. I want nothing more than to lead and leave my children in the knowledge that their mom loves the Lord and my house will fully be saturated in the love, truth, and knowledge of his kingdom.
So, I took a drive, rolled down my windows in the rain and I once again belted out the the truth that I find my worth and my identity in Christ. I sang, cried, and then sang (once again on repeat) the words on the Lauren Daigle Song, You Say:
I
